Elemeno P

Alright, so I just decided to finish answering all of week two's questions in one blog. They seemed to blend in with one another. Enjoy Story 2:

Describe the moments leading to your realization that you needed to make a major shift

I was tired of doing everything from a hurt place. I was tired of working for other people from a hurt place. A place that said I could only be abundant under someone else’s umbrella. I was tired of loving my children from a hurt place, a place that would hug too tight too close because I was afraid they’d leave me like everyone else. That’s really been my biggest fear with my youngest son since me and his father split. He is more like his dad than he is like me. My kids feel like all I have most times, I don’t want to lose either one of them being in my daily routine, my daily life. I’m tired of dating from a hurt place, moving like the child that will do anything to feel good enough, even betray herself. Go against her own boundaries. That’s the same way I loved my friends and family. I couldn’t find enough love for myself though.

I realized if I wanted to attract better, then I had to be better. I had to be the one to stand up for me, to love myself first and love myself the most. It really was the only way. I had to work on my confidence as a business owner, as a mother, as a friend, as myself. I still work on this regularly. Reminding myself that I deserve to take up space, and I deserve to have boundaries. I had to train my mind to know that forgiveness and acceptance doesn’t mean pretending like someone isn't invading or disrespecting my space. I can forgive people and still remove myself, or my energy. That I would be a bad guy to people that can’t keep taking advantage of me, and I have to be okay with that.

I saw my older son becoming older, wiser, and attentive enough to see my pain. To say to me he wished I had better friends, or more support. He wanted things for me, I didn’t even think I deserved. I was satisfied with just being their mom. I still am.

Him seeing and saying those things, made me feel like I was showing him a woman, he didn’t deserve to see. I was showing him sadness, depression, anger, and self-oppression. My youngest would tell me how awesome my art was in such elaborate ways, and speak life into me owning a store. As much as they hated the early Saturday mornings getting ready to vend, they supported me and were proud of me by the end of the day. I know it’s not supposed to be enough, but for right now, that’s enough for me. I want to show my sons happiness, joy, and freedom. I want to give them that through my business. Buying plots of land, owning bus homes, going on trips, this has been a dream of mine since I held my oldest son in my arms after giving birth. We deserve to break free from all these cages. They deserve a life never knowing what a cage is. So I work really hard to do that.

Maybe, slaying all of their dragons for them is not the best approach, my oldest taught me that. He taught me to sit on the sidelines and wait for them to come to me to put me in the game. I would follow him around on the playground, like his shadow, not confident to talk to the other moms sitting on benches together. One day my son asks me to sit on the bench, bring something with me to make while he plays next time. I was so sad. I felt hurt, and abandoned, I realized I was loving my child like a hurt child, and there wasn’t any room for it anymore. He couldn’t replace what I needed to do for myself. That’s when I started thinking, maybe I should do things for me too. Maybe my boy was getting old enough now, then I had Miles. My polar opposite, who craved and begged for me to be his shadow. Initially his energy was overwhelming, at the time I was still going back and forth with his dad, trying to find myself, and be present with my oldest son. I couldn’t comprehend why he behaved like he had been abandoned or hurt, the things he would say once he could talk, scared me. He didn’t like himself, or this world, he wanted to die. This was my three year old at the time. After a while, I started to see that he was the personification of my hurt self. I had to be for him what I wished I had for me. I learn how to heal him through learning his natal chart. Learning the energies that made up his overall self. Having meditation sessions and just talking. While doing this with my younger, and eventually both of my sons, I started exercising such conversations with my selves as well. I started talking to my inner children and young adults, asking them difficult questions, why do they get so triggered from certain things, why so much fear of being alone and letting people get too close. I was gaining the ability to innerstand myselves through my methods of getting to know my sons.

Story 3:

How did you know it was time to shift?

Moving back to Jersey from Virginia. I had so many feelings. I was giving up this foundation I had created with Les Nobodies, but I missed my family and being so close to everyone. I was lonely out in Virginia. It seemed like every time I thought I’d made a friend, they would disappear. I wanted things to be better with me and my partner at the time, but my spirit won’t trust him long enough to be happy. My spirit never been wrong, so I couldn’t keep fighting it. Because of my absence, I didn’t really have any friends waiting for me in Jersey either, but I still had my family. So I stayed with my mom, and while I was there she helped me get a job with her. I liked my job, it was family oriented, I was in a space where I could flex my office and interpersonal skills. I enjoyed it. The hours were good. It was a good fit. My sons were not doing well. My oldest had been struggling in the public school system since he was in the YMCA for daycare. He just doesn’t deal with transitions well, and if he’s learning something and he doesn’t comprehend it, he will quietly disappear into the classroom. He was bringing home Cs Ds and Fs. He wasn’t doing his work, he wasn’t doing well in quizzes. It’s like my son is smart in areas he wishes to be smart in, he’s more of a scientist and philosopher than a multiple choice test taker, if that makes sense. His intelligence is bigger than a text book. I know this, but my son didn’t know this. His failure in his classes was causing him to have anxious behaviors such as biting his nails too far back, until his tissue was showing, he would pick at his face and have open wounds, he’d make hair balls and give himself bald spots. My baby was stressed, he was too embarrassed to communicate what he wasn’t comprehending. Even me helping him outside of school was not helping him while he was inside of school. My youngest child, my outspoken fighter was not quiet about his dislike for school. I received phone calls daily for his behavior. Flipping desk, chairs, and text books. It didn’t take much for him to shut down, and once he did, it was over for the rest of the day. I tried talking to him, talking him through it. He didn’t care. He wanted mommy to be his teacher. That was it. I had been wanting to homeschool my children for years, I could never afford to do so. It seemed like to homeschool them, I’d have to find a way to make money outside of school hours. I didn’t realize that unlearning was unlearning alot, down to the hours we spend in a classroom. My sons were drowning, and eventually I started to drown in guilt. I knew better. I knew all about the public school system, and how it’s set up, why it’s set up a certain way. I knew if I didn’t help my sons they were going to be stuck in this predestined bullshit of not being good enough. Not deserving a good job, good income, being spoken to with a certain level of respect. I watched how the teachers and women in the office began to talk to Miles after a while, I was getting pissed off right along with him. He’s the child, you’re the adult, and most of the people in that building have the nerve to be psychology graduates, yet they couldn’t comprehend my child, or they just didn’t want to, because public school doctrinates the teachers as well.

So I'm at my job, covid is pretty fresh. This is the first of April. However, my job had been on lockdown since that September, we just didn't have the terms coronavirus or covid. People were just getting sick. The job I had was in healthcare, their protocols and the things the CDC was saying just didn’t make sense, it didn’t sit right with me. On top of the fact that my spirit was ready to be free of this job cage. As much as I liked my job, it was holding me back from being a business owner, homeschooling my kids, and being on off grid land. I was getting paid just enough to pay my bills and feed the squad. I got into an altercation with one of my co-workers and that was it, I walked out and got into my car and was like fuck it. My position was a week away from closing anyway because of covid, and now it was time to take my children out of school too. The first year it felt like the universe helped me, with the public schools doing at home learning. I was able to be more hands on with my kids while they were in the classroom. I could make sure my oldest son was getting everything and my youngest was behaving. Once they started going to hybrid classes my spirit said ‘nope, get your babies sis’. So I did.

I took both my sons out of school, and together we have been unlearning ever since. With my unemployment ( I had to wait 6 months for, which was crazy, I really survived a half a year without income, I gained so much muscle in that situation.) I was able to fund my business. I purchased land, and got the text books and supplies I needed for my boys. I was on my way to the reality that I have been dreaming about. I am so grateful for the growth and the intelligence that I have to help me make such decisions. I look forward to expanding even more as the three of us continue healing.

Story 4:

How did you approach making your shift?

In my mind I thought this big elaborate dramatic thing was going to happen when I pulled my kids out of school. That’s not what happened at all. Because of covid, I wasn’t even allowed in the building. We waited outside for the paperwork. It came in this small white envelope. Wasn't even legal paper worthy. With my oldest, it took a few emails and a phone call and I drove to pick up his paperwork. I did a bunch of research online, had them take quizzes to find out what they already knew or didn’t know. And we went from there. I began making a schedule for them. Initially I try to fill their days up on a 8a to 4p schedule monday through friday. That was becoming too much for all three of us. Them being 8 years apart, I was teaching to 2 totally different people, and I wasn't in the mindset of delegating. I felt my oldest had enough on his plate, I wasn’t going to make him help me teach his brother another thing. When I grew up I felt heavily responsible for my younger siblings, I didn’t want that for my sons. I wanted him to be as carefree as he could possibly be for as long as he could. Childhood is so short in comparison to the rest of your life spent as an adult. I felt that something was wrong with me. I wasn’t doing a good job juggling. I’d skip days homeschooling, I’d try to catch it all up on other days. I was trying to be a perfectionist by teaching them, and building on my business. Then I started joining homeschool facebook groups, mommy groups, unlearning groups on facebook. I’d read tips from other moms that are also unlearning. It didn’t have to be Monday through Friday 8a to 5p. And if I knew most of the things being taught were bogus and useless, why was I spending so much time teaching? I was reminded of all the half days, vacation days, movie days, assembly days, game days, substitute days, busy packet work days at school. We weren’t learning every day all day long. I took a deep breath and took it easy on myself. Remembering that cooking is learning, showing them how to pay bills is learning, fixing things with my car, my computer, and around the house is learning. My sons love science so I try to make their reading and writing more on science. In history they learn about scientists. Math I try to make scientific word problems. I opened their eyes to more history on aboriginals, bringing in the bible as history as well. All these things, my oldest child has gotten better. He is more vocal when he doesn’t innerstand something. He is more vocal altogether as a person. His hair and nails are growing and his face has cleared up. I got my baby back. My youngest, we have been working on maintaining our extreme emotions, learning our natal charts together, becoming aware of ourselves. He’s maturing wonderfully and getting better with being open to school ours (he still gives me a hard time, but it’s getting better). I look forward to aligning with other mothers in the physical with them, regarding them having friends that they can relate to. I am slowly building a village of healers around them. I am grateful for the growth and patience to do all this, and not be afraid of erasing the board to try again, but giving up is not an option.

Story 5:

What was your “why” for making the shift

My sons are always my why, the life I want them to have, the life I feel they deserve to have. Those are my whys. My inner child is my why. That little girl that just wants to live in a village and grow her own food, be surrounded by animals, and live in peace. That’s my why. In order to have the things I’ve never had before, I have to do things I’ve never done before. Everytime I face a fear, I feel so much stronger. I can conquer anything because I am everything, and I’ve conquered the worst. A few people after reading my first story told me I was a victim, I never was a victim. I never saw myself as a victim, I won’t start now. Those things that happened, those are my whys. It’s just people out here who have no idea what they’re doing, following images on screens, images Pavlov would call ‘tools for conditioning’. I say ask someone what they spend the majority of their time consuming, it’ll tell you the majority of what you need to know about their character. Being a catalyst to people changing what they chose to consume is most definitely my why. I just want to be the change I wish to see in the world. It gets exhausting sometimes, not being understood or supported in certain ways. But My spirit won't let me go backwards.

Story 6:

When/ How did you know you had a special calling

I don’t think I’m special. Everybody wants to be special, feel special. I don’t think I’m special, or that my calling is special. When I was younger, I never knew what I wanted to be exactly. I had like a timeline of jobs… Cop to detective to criminal profiler to judge to Dr President. That really was the timeline. I wanted kids writing book reports and essays about me, saying they want to be like me when they grow up. I guess I wanted to be special. What I do is my comfort zone, it’s my default mode. People been coming to me for healing since I was a kid. My presence has provided healing to people knowingly and unknowingly. I bring transformation with my existence. That isn't special to me. How many mothers look at their babies and say ‘you changed my life.’? I’d like to think the majority. How many people have someone in their life they know is a good person; Id like to think the majority. I don’t even think I’m a good person, I’m really just trying my best, and it works. I love helping people heal. I love talking to that inner child in them and letting them know it’s going to be okay. I like that when people need healing my name is the one that comes into their mind. They bypass other healers and chose me. Thats tribal energy more to me than being special or having a special calling. In my eyes everyone gets called to do for others, to protect the flora and fauna, to preserve their environment. Everyone gets called to their altars. It’s people who don’t answer the call, that’s why I may seem special. Because I picked up the phone and said hello instead of pressing the red x. Or dancing to the ring tone and going about my business when it stopped. I don’t think that’s special, I hope that one day that becomes common sense.

Story 7:

What was your biggest challenge in committing to that calling and how did you overcome it?

I just care too much about what people think. People in my family don't homeschool. They send their kids to before school, school, after school and a babysitter while they work. When school is finished, you go to the military, go to college, or get a job.

When I stopped drinking I lost the majority of my “friends”. I started caring more about what I ate and drank, and it made the outings more awkward until I stopped getting called altogether unless it was a need of being heard or healed.

Own a business? Nah. My dad and my uncle are the two business owners I know, and my dad's girlfriend wasn't very supportive. I found him following his dream admirable. People always complain about money, once I realized that money was why people support or don't support you… that added to my dislike for money. It seems so low vibrational and dusty to me.

I remember being in gifted and talented classes, the students and teachers alike never let an opportunity pass to let us know what was a lucrative educational pursuit and what was a waste of time. At that point in time, psychology and art were two majors or studies that would leaving me starving. I did all the job and personality tests, aside from teacher or politician, an artist or psychologist would pop up. Those were the two I wanted.

I remember being in school and having that conversation with my dad. How do I find a balance with what I love to do, and what I think I need to do. He told me to let him know when I found the formula. Being present, learning about my Leo rising sign, I realize this is my generational curse to break. I have to do something that's never been done before. So I have to break some brains in my pursuit, even my own brain.

For me, it was really what other people thought. I wasn't worried about being homeless, I honestly looked forward to the relief of not having that hefty 1200/mo bill plus all the other monthly expenses that came with renting. I often joked of being homeless often with my sons. 'well be good, I know how to grow food. I'll teach you the rest.' It also wasn't money hungry, I really wanted to learn to live a life with less of it.

I didn't want people to think I was mentally ill and try to take my kids. I have a family member who is vindictive like that. She'd call child services for any and everything. I didn't want my child's father to take my son away from me. He threatened to do that a few times when I tried to break up with him. I felt like he treated me the way he wished he could treat his other baby mom. He had a way of pretending like we knew and believed the same truths, but in other company he made it seem like I was bullying him into agreeing with me. I wasn't sure how deep that fakeness was. How much of it was going to come out once we split?

I worry about how people interpret me telling my story as a healer. I have seen so many gatekeepers in my walk. They'd never say anything directly to me, just around me on social media, indirect shade. Even knowing what I know, I'd still feel insecure about the comments being made. Do I qualify as a healer if I am in need of healing? Do I qualify as a business owner in healing services? How can I coach others if I still need coaching at times? Can I teach when I still need to be a student?

Yes. Yes I can.

Once I got over caring about what other people think, and how people interpret me, good and bad or indifferent, I was able to step into my power unapologetically. I may not check all the boxes for those who need healing, but for others I'm perfect. They can see themselves in me and that's what makes me a great healer for them. I don't have to take on the world.

Me not caring is still a work in progress. I still feel uneasy when I'm rubbing people wrong with my ideas or my desire to help or problem solve. I'll double back on a desire if it seems like it'll bother someone. All in all, I know I'm in a better space than I once was. I look forward to going further.

Story 8:

When did you decide to become a coach and why?

I decided to become a coach when I started looking back on how many people I have helped the last couple of years in my life. It wasn’t always the direct help from my business. Sometimes it was someone in my inbox just asking questions, people that followed me online or on youtube and absorbed so much information that helped them on their journeys, it was people who attended events and heard my music or my speeches between my performances and felt moved, it was individuals I coordinated events with that were inspired by my methods and mindset. Sometimes it was people that just watched me so that they can copy what I do and how I do it. I had helped so many people, touched so many lives, interacted with so many hearts, and most of it was not intentional. I thought about how many more people I could touch if I was intentional about my coaching.

I had already had the desire behind me, dreaming of being an artist and a psychologist, I already had the heart to help people. Now the question was, ‘how do I make a living out of my gift?’ There was no way I was going to be able to juggle a full time job, full time homeschooling, and full time running a multi-faceted healing business, something would get dropped. I’d rather the full time business get dropped, but I knew I still had to provide for my children.

I wanted to help the people who had been abused and wanted to know what the process of healing and forgiveness felt like. I wanted to help the children learning to heal from their abusers. I wanted to help the people who had been raped or molested and felt like it was their fault. Knowing that I was already doing this with my transparent interviews and talks let me know that I was already on the path, and I could keep going, I should continue my efforts in becoming a coach.

Story 9: What service do you provide as a coach and to who? (what is your expertise why are you an expert and why is what you coach important?)

I provide energy awareness and healing coaching. My energy awareness techniques comes from me enlightening others on their natal charts, chakra centers, behaviors and patterns from motivational therapy techniques. I believe energy awareness is the first step to changing one’s mindset, patterns, behaviors, and what they attract. Once one becomes aware of their energies, they are able to manipulate their energies accordingly. When they find themselves in emotionally heightened spaces they are able to cool themselves off because they are aware of the energies creating that space for them, when they are going through certain patterns of experiences and behaviors they are aware of their energies to either recourse themselves, or stay on the path and be committed, depending on their situations. Energy awareness also allows someone to make space for the energies around them. They are more conscientious and considerate of other people’s energies and what may be occurring in their experiences with these energies. This allows for better interactions and happenings around multiple now, instead of just one. This allows that vibration of peace to spread. The ability of being aware of one’s energy, being able to manipulate one’s energy into more healthful patterns is what brings the healing to one’s energy. Certain conditioning into depression, anxiety, and insecurities have been transmuted from more positive behaviors and ways to do things. Me coaching energy awareness is very important to me, because it brings peaceful interactions and experiences. It allows people space to treat themselves and others in a more considerate, thoughtful way. It’s important because I believe energy awareness is a step often skipped in the process of healing. People want to get straight to the healing part when they don’t have awareness of how it will be exhibited in their behaviors through their processes of being healed, so when experiences feel as if they went wrong, regression usually occurs. The person is back to their original state of insecurity, anxiety, depression, etc.

I know that I’m an expert in this field because of my ability to listen to others, I pay attention to details, to people, I like to look at behaviors and feel the intentions behind them. People watching has always been a gift of mine. I remember one night, while I was working as a direct care worker I went to get something to eat. It must’ve been like 3 in the morning, I worked overnight. This homeless man walks up to me and asks me to give him a hug, so I did. I didn’t think anything of it. I hugged him, and he told me he loved me. He felt comfortable asking me for that hug, and he was grateful I gave it. He told me to start feeding the birds, and watch them. Watch how they behave, look at their energies, they will tell me everything I need to know about people. So I did. I went alone, I went with my sons, I took dates out to feed the birds and told them the story too. He was right. I learned so much just by watching birds, I gained a heavy innerstanding of energy awareness by watching a totally different species and their energies. That’s all I had to go off of was energies, it wasn’t like I could ask them why they did something and they’d tell me, I couldn’t follow them to their neighborhoods. I really had to be present and absorb the energies, and that broadened me to interact with other species. I’d feel their energies and interact, I got a better innerstanding of the animal heads in ancient writings, those were animal correlations to people spirits, animals, spirit animals. I could look at someone and see their animal after a while, I could see how their animal would shift in different situations, I could see their childhood faces. Then one day I gained the ability to smell energies as well. At first I was nervous, I felt like I was going crazy, no one would ever believe me. I would smell things no one else would smell and they would hit my gut and my mind would interpret; this person is light and kind, this person is heavy yet still kind, this person has ill intentions. I’d wait for an experience to occur because I still didn’t trust my ability to see and smell what I was seeing and smelling. I’d be right every time. I knew to stop questioning my spirit then, I knew nothing good came from me always questioning myself. Being able to see, hear, and heal… things I’ve wanted to do since a child, I can do now. Honestly, I could always do it, I just spent such a long time covering myself up. Covering up my abilities, shushing my gifts.

The moment I decided to step in my power, and claim what I could do, blessings came my way, and it has been abundant ever since. What I can do, I not only want to use to help others, but I also really want to teach others how to tap in so they can provide energy awareness and healing to others as well.

Story 10:

What do you hope to leave as a legacy when you eventually pass?

What a great question. I hope to leave behind two highly intelligent gentlemen that treat daughters with healthful love and attention. Lol. Seriously, I hope to leave behind footsteps that say ‘you don’t have to follow me, you can walk your own path.’ The things about all these religions, including the Moorish Science Temple is the over-praising of the prophets. It’s like the rest of us out here are dumb sheep and can’t do anything this one person does. I think that’s bullshit. I highly doubt that Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, or even Drew was like, ‘Yeah bow, and don’t go past this glass ceiling I have raised, the trip stops where my feet stop.’ That doesn’t make sense to me. That a leader would only be surrounded by followers. That's ego shit.

I want to be surrounded by other leaders. I want a legacy that shows how strong the tail is when there's a strong head, not by just one person, but a team, a village, and you can do it too.

I want to leave behind books with our cultures in them, not only the cultures of our past, but the cultures we have created today. I want to leave behind Terra Nullius, an off grid land plot existing for the healing and unity of all walks of life. I want to leave behind more than one Terra Nullius, maybe one at each coast of the compass. I want to create a new religion, a new language, build a boarding school for people of all ages and walks of life, get rid of this public citizen indoctrination. I want to leave behind an organization of individuals that had been healed by Sunshine Monie, or a Les Nobodies affiliate and it successfully impacts the generational curses they defeat in their lineages and spaces.